Nikki has finally decided that Enough is Enough and has pulled the plug on our once a day nursing sessions. Any attempts at feeding are firmly rebuffed with much shoving, pushing and screaming blue murder and if all else fails a few sharp nips are deftly administered to end this preposterous attempt at curtailing her budding independence.
I suppose I should be happy. No more scheduling my life around three or four hourly feeds. Well actually in the last three months it was just the one feed, so no more scheduling my life around the all important morning feed. No more carefully monitored morning alarms or missed gym sessions or jogs so that the child and heiress will not go hungry. No more long drawn out nursing sessions at the fag end of the day when I'm dog tired and desperate to have a hot shower or curl up with a book or just crash. No more hideous nursing tops that have the mind boggling ability to make one look like the bag lady in drag on a bad day. No more sitting in a darkened room at a party sniffing wistfully at the occasional whiffs of something delectable and listening to people make merry as I wait for the afore-mentioned child and heiress to finished her own long drawn out supper. No more feeling stressed out when I travel or even when I'm just out and about that my services may be called upon at a particularly awkward moment. No more severe panic attacks when I'm out alone about being wanted, NOW back home because the c & h refuses to eat or for that matter drink anything and only I can offer succor. No more frantic pounding on the bathroom door with accompanying cries to come out RIGHT NOW as the c & h obligingly wails in the background. No more thinking twice before downing that glass of wine, or that plate of sushi or even those nasty antibiotics which will give instant relief.
Yes, I suppose I should be happy.
Then why is it that all I feel instead is an empty, hollow ache? Why can I think of nothing else but the days of exclusive breastfeeding? Or the early days of Nikki's birth, when it would just be me and her, connected in the most special way possible as our lives pretty much revolved around each other. Those silvery early mornings and mellow late afternoons as I gazed adoringly at my precious little Nikki as she suckled blissfully, oblivious to the cares of the world, content to just be with me. When I could watch her for hours at end holding snugly onto the thought that she was still just a little baby, that she still needed me. When my baby would seek me out in a room full of people and reach out for me and be comforted by the mere sight of me. When just my presence or my touch was enough to soothe. When no one but me could placate her.
I guess she still does some of those things, but I am no longer indispensable. Anyone can dish out the khichdi or the porridge or the dish of choice and feed her now. Sigh. Why didn't anyone tell me this mommyhood thing was going to be so difficult?
9 comments:
Awwwwwwwwwww hugsss. i sooo feel what u are going through. it was very difficult for me too. Suddenly it was such an empty feeling. U know the good part? It only lasts for a week.. or 2 at the most.. after which u truly start appreciating the freedom :D
So hang in there.. there are worse things to come :p
LOL yeah that puts things in perspective, I can SO believe that there are worse things to come :)
In the meantime guess I just have to live with this empty feeling.
ohh :):) I`m sure you`ll begin to enjoy the free time that you`ll get(whatever little of it!), soon enough! So dont worry too much about it now :) I remember the time my sis called up and cried on the phone because her toddler was happy to be away at pre school! These days she cries when he`s at home!! :):)
Hugs to the lil one.
Awwww...hugs! I know how that can feel...I felt just like you when it hapenned to me as well. Mommy is no longer the only source of nutrition and love and strength. Nyways, trust me this feeling shall pass but each time a new milestone happens you'll feel that pang.
Haha, I can so relate to that :) It took me a while to get my 4 months old on supplements and now when he does guzzle it, I feel terrible at the fact that he's skipping our regular feed session for a fix in a bottle!
Jeez, so looking forward to weaning (NOT!)
congrats on this milestone being reached. glad it ended peacefully. enjoy the freedom, now.. (bye bye to those feeding accessories..:)
This is like a post I could have written a couple of months back..
But the plus side is after this long..the milk is almost gone and they are back to normal size..do you even remember what that was like? Not as perky as before but at least I fit back into my old T-shirts without looking Top heavy..
Oh Mommy Woman, here's a hug! The girlie's growing up... fret not, she needs you still, albeit in different ways :)
Piper...thanks, I can totally see myself wailing in a corner too, as Nikki happily trots off to playschool. *Sob*
Divs..Yeah I know, I'm so totally unprepared to deal with this growing up business!
Rads...LOL, yeah I've been there done that too. I used to wistfully imagine myself footloose and fancy free after weaning Nikki, and now this! I think it was because she self weaned you know? I was just totally not prepared for it!
Momo's Ma...yes, those hideous nursing tops I am NOT going to miss!
comfortablenam...yeah it seems like so long ago I'd nearly forgotten! Still some time to go before I fit into the pre-preggers tees tho' I still look like a pudding in most of them :(
The Soul of Alec Smart...You bet she does, like for punching and slapping and knocking the glasses off of boo hoo HOO! All the hugs are reserved for The Papa Man *Sob*
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